4. How Do You View Conflict? Take The Quiz!

Sydney Mitchell:

Hi. My name is Sydney Mitchell.

Matthew Brickman:

Hi, I’m Matthew Brickman, Florida Supreme court mediator. Welcome to the Mediate This! Podcast where we discuss everything mediation and conflict resolution.

Sydney Mitchell:
Welcome to this episode of Mediate this! I’m Sydney sitting here with Matthew and in each of our episodes, we’ve been continuing to discuss that Matthew as a mediator, you help people who are experiencing fear and chaos in their home,and helping them find hope in peace, saving them lots of money, and ultimately helping them to create a new tone for their household so that they can ultimately limit conflict for good. And I’m excited to talk about our topic today and it’s how we view conflict. And Matthew you’ve expressed to me that the way that we view conflict, the perspective that we have about conflict really can shape the way that we approach solving conflict. So what are your initial thoughts on that?

Matthew Brickman:
Okay. So my initial thoughts is Sydney. I want to play a game. So I’m going to ask you a surprise question and so clear your mind, just completely clear mind. And I’m going to say one word and I want you to instantly say the first thing that pops in your mind. When I say this word,

Sydney Mitchell:
These make me really nervous.

Matthew Brickman:
I know. I know, but look, and in this episode, in the next couple episodes, we’re going to have pop quizzes and, and, and so just get ready for it.

Sydney Mitchell:
Oh no. Okay. Let me get in my meditative position. Okay.

Matthew Brickman:
Yup. Here we go. Okay. So conflict arguing. Okay. So what I find as shouldn’t be in a conflict resolution specialist is it’s interesting how a lot of people instantly think of something negative when they hear that word conflict and how we view conflict shapes, how we approach and then deal with conflict. So let me ask you another question. This is a yes or no question. Okay. You can’t get this wrong.

Sydney Mitchell:
So there’s no like set on answers.

Matthew Brickman:
No, no. That is all conflict bad.

Sydney Mitchell:
Well, since you’re asking me the answer must be no. Okay,

Matthew Brickman:
Excellent. The correct answer is no, not all content

Sydney Mitchell:
Because it helps you grow, right?

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. Yeah. So here’s some examples of positive conflict, you know? Cause again, most people, when you say conflict, they have this negative connotation, so positive conflict. So starting your car in the morning to drive to work is filled with conflict. So you take your key and you turn the ignition switch, which ignites spark plugs, moves gasoline through your engine, makes the tires turn, which grips the road, which causes friction, which in turn, causes the car to move forward. All of that involved some form of kinetic energy and conflict, two things that were rubbing against each other, but it created a positive result. It moved your car, it propelled your car. Hey, got you to work.

Sydney Mitchell:
Can I input a question really quick? Can you define for us the word conflict? If you had to write your own Matthew’s definition, how do you define conflict?

Matthew Brickman:
Okay. So how would I, that that’s a great question. Conflict. How would I define conflict? I know, right? No it really, no, I think, I think so. So I would say the conflict is anything in our life that is competing and creates opposition.

Sydney Mitchell:
Okay. So that, that now makes sense.

Matthew Brickman:
Right. But, but then it depends on how do we view it depends on how do we approach it and then how do we resolve it? So if we, if we, if we are thinking, Oh my gosh, something in an opposition, I don’t like it. Well now we’re going to try to resist it. We’re going to try to get away from it. We’re going to try to get out of it. But if we’re going, Oh, look an opportunity to grow and learn. Well, then we’re going to embrace it. Right?

Sydney Mitchell:
Sure. So you would say that, that, so that’s your definition of conflict, but my definition of conflict and you know, our listeners definition of conflict is different. Is that what you’re saying?

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. Everybody may have their different view, which again, it’s like, okay, when you hear the word conflict, what immediately jumps in your mind? You don’t mean, for example, if you said, Matthew, what is conflict? I’d be like mediation. Now I look at mediation as a positive way to resolve conflict. Right. But if you say conflict, I instantly think mediation now, to me, it’s a positive. Some people are afraid to go to mediation, you know? Whereas to me, I’m like, let’s go, let’s, let’s get in a room. Let’s deal with the conflict. So it’s a positive. So going back to positive conflict, let me ask you this. It needed, you take a shower today. I did. Okay, good. Well, more, more positive conflict. Electricity turned on the water heater, which in turn, then warm the water. And then when you turn the, your pipes in your shower, water flowed through the pipe, out the shower hood or shower, head, all friction, right?

Matthew Brickman:
All created a good result. You took a shower. So see where I’m going with this. You know, not, not everything is negative. So here’s another thing. Making coffee, making breakfast, having lunch, dinner, heating a pan, boiling water. All of these things are in the world. They always involve some sort of conflict, but they work together to create good. So, you know, not all conflict is bad, right? It’s all about how you view the conflict. That then allows you to make a positive out of the conflict. So time for a test, another test way before

Sydney Mitchell:
It, before my, before my next test, I just want to say that’s a really profound truth. I just, I think not many of us ever think about the way that we think about conflict, you know? And so this is like, even as we talk about this, now it’s really causing me to reflect inward and say, Oh my gosh, what do I, you know, what is my lens, I guess? And so this is interesting, but okay. Continue my test.

Matthew Brickman:
Okay. So test, there’s only two questions in this test. And so they’re worth a lot of points. Okay. So don’t freak out, but

Sydney Mitchell:
Right. All right. Okay. So do we nervous or anything?

Matthew Brickman:
No, no, no, no. So I’m gonna give you a scenario that that is going to help bring this all in full circle about how do you view conflict? So here’s the scenario I call this the rain scenario. Okay. So here it is. There’s four characters in this test. You are one of those four characters. So Sydney, you, your best friend, your mom or your dad, but whichever parent you want to choose and the love of your life, these are the four characters in the rain scenario. Okay? So here we go. You and your best friend are standing on a dark, barely lit street corner at night. And it begins to absolutely pour rain. Okay. You have no raincoat or umbrella up, drives a car. It’s a two seater car. There’s only room in the car for two people. And inside this car as oppose up to the street light is your parent and the love of your life. Only two people can get into the car. Okay. So question number one for your test. What is the main conflict in the story? What are you trying to avoid?

Sydney Mitchell:
The main conflict in the story is like trying to make everybody give everybody what they want. And obviously not everybody is trying to stand out in the rain. I know I’m surely not. So, so yeah,

Matthew Brickman:
What’s interesting with that answer is that you know, it, it, it shows a lot of, you know, you you’re, you’re trying to please everybody, you’re trying to protect people. You’re not wanting anybody to be offended. You know, you’re very relational, you know, you’re, you’re concerned about the relationship, but the conflict in the story is actually the rain. Rain is the conflict. Because because of course, you know, you’re in the rain, there’s four people, there’s a car and only two people can be dry. And usually you’re, you know, I mean, based on what you’re saying, you’re trying to keep people happy. You’re trying to figure out how do you, how, how did you get out of the rain and try to make everybody happy? Right? So a lot of people are trying to escape the conflict or escape the rain. Most of the time, you know, people would use a raincoat, rain, boots, umbrellas or simply don’t go out because they want to try to avoid the rain or getting wet, right? People want to stay dry and not get wet. So question to who gets to be in the car and who is stuck in the rain, getting wet. Only two people will be stuck in the conflict who gets to escape. The rain

Sydney Mitchell:
Can one of us be the runaway driver? What do you mean by that? One of us can look and we feel the passenger and the driver’s seat. Oh, you mean, you mean try to stack? No, you cannot sit on each. Other’s laps. All three of them in the car. And then I, I kicked the driver out and

Matthew Brickman:
No, you have, you have two seats. You can’t, there is no tree, you know, there there’s the trunks, not big. If you have a Tuesday, you have a little sports car and there’s only two seats. So two people are going to be in the car. Two people are going to be stuck in the rain who gets in the car and who is stuck in the rain, who is, who’s going to be stuck in the conflict and who gets to escape the rain.

Sydney Mitchell:
So I think I would choose my parents and my significant other to be in the car. They’re already in the car. So you would leave them, but I can’t keep them there. No, no, no, no. You can. I’m just asking you a question. So, so you ain’t,

Matthew Brickman:
Because remember up drives your significant other, you know, or, or love of your life and your family member they’re in the car. So you would stay on the street corner with your best friend, the love of your life, and your parents would stay in the car. Cause remember there is a, there is a way to create a win win for every single person I think in line.

Sydney Mitchell:
How do you think this is a joke? No, this is not a riddle. Is this, would you consider this a riddle?

Matthew Brickman:
This is not a trick question. So, I mean, there is a way to create a win, win. See, a lot of the Sydney has to do with how we view conflict. Are we embracing it or are we trying to escape it? So this is interesting for, I give you the answer. Notice that,

Sydney Mitchell:
Is there one correct answer?

Matthew Brickman:
There is one correct answer. Okay. Yeah. There’s one correct answer. But before we do this, notice the words that I used, okay. Who gets to be in the car and who is stuck in the rain, getting wet. I use the word stuck, which has a negative connotation. Then I use the word escape, which has a positive connotation because no one likes to be stuck and everybody likes to escape. So maybe you’re sort of stuck because I planted a seed in your mind that created a certain point of view regarding the question on conflict and what this shows is the shows, the power of words as they influence us and how we analyze situations. This is why it’s so important. The words that I use in mediation to help people view things differently, maybe a grace, the conflict, instead of trying to escape the conflict. Because you know, when you use the word stuck in escape, nobody wants to be stuck and everybody wants to escape. So how would you line up the people give you that give you about a minute or so to figure out how you know, who gets to ride, who gets, who gets to be in the rain. I’m going to change this. Who gets to be in the rain, who gets to be in the car? Cause beam is much better than escaping or, or stuck. You just get to be,

Sydney Mitchell:
It doesn’t matter where the car is going. It doesn’t matter where I wasn’t saved the cars on its way to go get food or something. Then I’ll be in there. Does somebody have a rain jacket on already? No.

Matthew Brickman:
Nope. Again, you’re trying to escape the conflict you’re trying to cover up. And a lot of people try to use different things to cover themselves, protect themselves from the conflict. Instead of just embracing it, trying to protect yourself would be like a rain jacket and umbrella.

Sydney Mitchell:
Okay. Well, I feel like I’m embarrassing myself here. I think I just need you to tell me the answer.

Matthew Brickman:
So I’ll just tell you, here’s how you create a win, win, and here’s why it creates a win win. So you and the love of your life are in the rain, your best friend and your parent get in the car. And here’s why, because now you’ve created a situation where you in the love of your life, get to stand in the rain together, embracing one, another, creating a romantic encounter. You are a great child by honoring your parent who gets to stay in the car. And

Sydney Mitchell:
I got one, right?

Matthew Brickman:
And who would want to be your best friend? Because now your best friend is in the car and gets to escape the conflict. The love of your life sees how you honor your parent and are a loyal friend. And so who wouldn’t want to spend the rest of their life with you. So what you did is you embraced the conflict and created a win, win situation for everyone involved instead of trying to avoid the conflict. So any, any comments I would like, I see, I see you. And you’re just like, Oh my gosh. It’s like a huge revelation. Just hit ya.

Sydney Mitchell:
Well, I just think it’s so fun to do. I mean, I don’t, like I said, I dunno if you would categorize this as a rental, but these types of things are fun. Like you said, that this story tells me, or tell us the listener, how, how they view conflicts. So

Matthew Brickman:
It gives you an internal insight to how you individually and everybody may, you know, everybody views conflict different.

Sydney Mitchell:
So what is my answer? If, if our listeners maybe had some of the same thought processes as I did, what is, what is our conversation tell you about the way that I deal with conflict?

Matthew Brickman:
Well, you would like to avoid it, but at the same time you’re more concerned about everybody being happy and trying to feel okay through that, which probably comes because, you know, being a child of divorce, you were in conflict constantly. And a lot of times that children are the adults in that conflict because the adults are acting like children and the child just wants everybody to get along. And so I do see that a lot of times, you know, like even my kids I’m really focused on just everybody being happy. Like why, why can’t we all just be happy? You know? Whereas, you know, the problem though is they, they don’t know how to, they don’t know how to deal with the conflict. They’re just more concerned about the relationship, but that doesn’t resolve conflict. You know, just trying to make everybody happy. Happy is a feeling, you know, I can make you happy and I can make you sad. It’s a feeling, but how do we resolve the conflict? Remember last, last episode, we talked about the stove about the front burner and the back burner and the logic and emotion, you know, how do we logically analyze a situation so that we can resolve conflict instead of just kicking it down the road to deal with them at a later date, which can actually, we’re in a moment I’m going to talk about that in a minute. Can actually make it worse.

Sydney Mitchell:
Sure. What are some other, and I’m sure that you shared this story with several other people. What are some, some answers that other people have given you and what insight did that give you? Those answers give you about the way that they dealt with conflict. Like, what are some of the other pathways a person could have Trulicity.

Matthew Brickman:
Okay. So, so I’ve had it all different ways and all different ways. It still is. It still doesn’t create a win, win situation. Right. But I will tell you this. I have been, I’ve been doing this story, telling this story, asking this question for 13 years or so. And I’ve gotten so many different questions and you know, maybe after a number of guesses, somebody gets really close, like maybe

Sydney Mitchell:
Has anyone ever gotten it? Right.

Matthew Brickman:
Okay. So I was telling my father about the podcast. So, you know, we are going to be launching this podcast a number of weeks ago and I was just giving him just, you know, an overview. And I said, yeah, you know, you know, I’ve got this one scenario. So I was telling about the rain scenario. So I asked my dad and said, all right, dad, here’s the scenario. So my, my mom and dad were on the phone. I said, dad, here’s the, and I gave my dad the scenario. He guessed it the first time he is the, no, he is the only one who has ever guessed is the first time he goes, well, I would stand in the, in the rank with your mom. And then yeah. Then my mom and yeah, my best friend would be in the car. And I’m like, and I said, what, like, how did you know that he goes, well, I mean, it makes sense. Like, I mean, I would, you know? Yeah. I mean, so your mom and I are kissing, we get wet. Like, okay, fine. I’m like, what? Like, he totally caught me off guard. He’s the only one who’s ever gotten it on the first try. But you know, my father is a, you know, he’s, he’s brilliant. Number one. But also, you know, I mean he does personality.

Sydney Mitchell:
I was going to say, is he a mediator too? Yeah.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. I mean, he’s, he’s, he does training with Myers-Briggs. And so, yeah, I mean, you know, he was a marriage counselor for years. He was a pastor. I mean, he knows people, he’s got very deep insight people, you know, he’s a coach and trainer, so I, yeah, it is shocked that he was the only one who actually got it. Right. But he got it. Right. It was

Sydney Mitchell:
Well, I’m sure it might, you know, I clearly did not find the right answer. And I would be curious to know if any of our listeners got the right answer because it sounds like mostly.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. If you did email, email us, I mean, I, you know, w or, or comment comment below, I think it would be fun. But this is definitely a scenario that people can listen to. They can learn, and then they can ask others because it really does challenge people and give insight of how they view conflict, especially in relationships and stuff. So, you know, as a mediator, you know, I am a conflict resolution specialist. I help people change their point of view regarding conflict, you know, so that they’re not fearful or they feel defeated, which then, you know creates the fear and chaos that they feel. But rather I helped them embrace the conflict and help them discover hope as they see that they could use the conflict to create good. So sometimes the conflict is like, you know, filing for divorce or filing your paternity action or filing a lawsuit, or, you know, going to you know, going to HR and filing something on an employee or a boss.

Matthew Brickman:
But that can actually lead to self discovery. Sometimes the conflict can expose what needs to be exposed, you know you know, in, in that relationship, sometimes the conflict is there that can lead us to a place where we establish boundaries. You know, many, many relationships have no boundaries. And so now you can create boundaries where then there’s accountability and responsibility and consequence, you know, like when people get a parenting plan, you know prior to a parenting plan, there’s no rules. People can do just about anything they want until you get a parenting plan. Now you’ve got the rules. And so I people so that they can have a platform to be heard and help them, help themselves use the conflict to create a better tomorrow. If they avoid their conflict, they will only have to eventually deal with it later in the future. It’s not going away, you know, just because I don’t deal with it doesn’t mean it’s going to go away and kicking the can down the road and not dealing with it can actually make things worse as emotions can build. And then flare over time, it creates resentment, bitterness, frustration, and can cause even more issues to deal with then simply dealing with the issue that they had on the day of mediation or conflict itself.

Sydney Mitchell:
Well, Matthew, today you’ve challenged us really to reevaluate the way that we even view conflict, because I think that once our eyes are open to the lens, through which we view conflict, it’s, I mean, at least for me, after we’ve had this conversation, it really challenges me to to start making the most of what good can come from healthy conflict. And so thank you for opening our eyes to see to see this, you know, in this way. And, and maybe this will help us to just to learn how to see things differently on a regular basis and approach conflict in a more healthy way. And so next episode, we’re going to begin to talk about the basic art of negotiating conflict. And I’m really looking forward to how our conversation today is going to play into that.

Matthew Brickman:
Occasionally Sydney, and I will be releasing Q&A bonus episodes where we will answer your questions and give you a personal shout out.

Sydney Mitchell:
If you have a comment or question regarding anything that we discuss, email us at info@ichatmediation.com that’s info@ichatmediation.com and stay tuned to hear your shout out and have your question answered here on the show.